”The day I die I want you to celebrate, ´cause I lived my life to the fullest. And I speed through life like a bullet /…/” (Miss Li)
Around the 15.th of June, 2020, my family were forced to pick up the fight and the struggle that comes with the everyday life living with cancer… again…
2013 my father passed away after a couple of months with cancer. He left in the age of 77. A year after my mother got her first episode of cancer – it was really bad but she fought her way back up again, they lived their life to the fullest during their marriage that lasted for over 50 years.
My mum came to visit us in BKK several times every year, my father only got the possibility to visit us twice, even though he didn´t enjoyed travelling – with one exception: the annual ski trip to Austria. But he actually became impressed of BKK, as the former engineer he was he was stunned by the infrastructure.
Mother on the other hand really loves to collect inputs and enjoys travelling. Since June she is ill and this time she will not survive – even though she is one heck of a fighter! She survived 2014, but also 2018 (!) this time she want us everyone to embrace life, fill the days with laughter, memories, and allow the tears to fall and comfort each other… in other words without letting grief take over continue to live the life to the fullest and accept that she is gratefull for the 6 years extra she got. She strongly express her acceptance, she has lived her life to the fullest and she is gratefull for the rich life she will leave within a while.
I will miss my mum more than I am able to express. Her personality and care for humanity, equality, childrens wellfare, will leave emptiness in a scale that is not measurable. 
Several times during the last couple of weeks my mother expressed how uncomprehending she is, regarding the knowledge of her affect on her surroundings – she is trying to understand and process what many people around her has told her and explained for her; their gratefullness for her commitment, friendship, wisdom, support etc over the years. An amazing woman in so many ways who continues to leave her foot prints and care of people even when she is dying.
Her care and love for friends, family and people around her is still more important for her than her own health.
When I told her that the most complicated feeling I am struggling with is my wish for and the lack of being strong and capable enough to take care of the feelings of grief that my children are carrying around. My mother calmly hugged be and asked me not to be strong… because she is still here, at least for now… and her wish is to take care of her grandchildren´s and children´s feelings and help them through their acceptance of the unavoidable. What she ask of me is to focus on my own struggle, boost myself and cry in her arms when I need so as long as there is time. When her time runs out I need to remember her wisdom, continue to use and evolve my herritage from her, cherish the fundamental values and never ever forget to always live my life to the fullest!
underbart e kort 